Today is just one of those days, where everything is bleak, bleaker, the bleakest.
I am trying to go with the flow. I managed to go to the mini store in town and buy some bread. So bread with Nutella is what I will eat today. I had plans for making all kinds of food because I DO have what I call “real food” in the house. But I just can’t prepare anything right now.
I am extremely overwhelmed and I’ve already had half a Xanax last night and another one this morning … I don’t want to take more because it just makes me TIRED on top of being overwhelmed.
It does stop the constant ruminations though. So that is something.
The constant racing of thoughts is really getting to me. Do I leave the house alone, I obsess over all kinds of things that could happen to my dogs (Maybe I left a candle burning. Maybe they feel alone and start digging into the walls again like they did in my last apartment. Maybe someone is going to break in an shoot them, etc etc etc etc). Do I walk my dogs, I think about things like someone coming to yell at us because we did something wrong. Or a dog coming out of nowhere and attacking us. Or something could fall off a train going by and kill me and what would happen to my dogs then?! Or maybe there’ll be a thunderstorm unexpectedly and I get hit by lightning. Or maybe something happened to my mom? Is my mom okay? What will I do without my mom?
Stuff like that that just escalates and with each cycle becomes worse and worse. And it’s not just “thoughts”. It’s like VERY vivid daydreams of the VERY bad kind. I almost lose touch with reality when these thoughts happen.
And then I think about all the mistakes I’ve made with past pets. Like my cat Tigger, or my dogs Gismo and Winnie. Pets who are long gone and wouldn’t be alive today either way because they’d be ancient today (well except for Winnie, nobody knows how old he really was)! I can’t seem to get rid of those thoughts. Shame and guilt attack me daily.
Worry about money. Worry about the health of the dogs I still have. Worry about everything and anything.
It gets worse when I am not distracted. When I am reading it’s mostly okay (though sometimes the thoughts even intrude on my reading time), or busy talking to someone. But as soon as I don’t keep my mind busy, these obsessions come and attack me seemingly out of nowhere.
I try to ground myself in reality and it works for like … two split seconds. And the worries, fear, guilt and shame come back.
It’s exhausting. And I am losing my sanity over this. I don’t know what to do to stop this anymore. Nothing’s really working.
I think it’s time I sent my therapist a message and asked her for some help maybe. Even that fills me with dread, worry and fear instantly. What would I write. She will call me back, what will I tell her? I am so ashamed of needing people. Etc etc. And on and on it goes.
This is really beyond ridiculous! AGHHHH! I don’t know how to be normal anymore! 😦