Cut off

I’m so tired today. Nightmares i don’t remember and waking up 3-4 times every night is starting to wear me down.

The others have cut me off from feelings though. I feel the heaviness and desperation and panic only as tiredness so i can go about my/our day and drag us all to get our meds, therapy, to walk the dogs, write emails, organize things, etc.

It’s a welcome respite and i try not to search inside too much because i know this is the only way we can be somewhat normal right now. Meaning: not crying on the floor and ripping out our hair… Because that’s what some are doing inside.

Right now we’re waiting for the train to take us to the city to our therapy appointment. I’m breathing and focusing on writing this and hoping the wall will hold for a while. I wonder how therapy is going to go today…

In two weeks we’ll probably have our first trauma sensitive Yoga session. I wonder how THAT is going to go, too. Lots of wondering how things are going to go.

Six more days till court.

We met the lawyer

I’m so exhausted. I’ve been up since four because it takes me at least an hour and a half to get ready to walk the dogs in the morning. Then i woke up the boyfriend and we took the train to the city. From there to his camp to pick something up and then on to the office where we would have the video conference with the lawyer.

We were early so i had plenty of time to become really nervous. Heh. Goodie me! But it went well. She seems really nice but she didn’t really know his case yet. She seemed optimistic at first and less so as time went on but that might have been just my nerves talking to me.

We’re going to meet her in person next week. At the court appointment.

Just a week from today now… One week.

I disagree with some stuff the boyfriend said at the meeting but it’s his life so I’m not getting involved because every time i do he gets mad. And really, he has to know what he’s doing because, again, it’s his life he’s putting on the line here.

I will probably be called as a witness. That’s what we’re hoping for. I’m going to send the lawyer all my data later today and then we’ll see. She told us to count on taking at least half an hour just to get through security at court. Apparently they’re really strict. I can’t even bring water… Weird.

It’s just seven more days. I’m nervous at being called “witness”… Too close to home i guess, to my own case, all those years ago. And really, it has been a few years. I don’t think about it all that often anymore.

Tomorrow i have therapy and I’m nervous. We’re not going to be talking much because she’ll record a trance for me to listen to when i get distressed. Which i might get very much so before and also after the court appointment.

A headmate wants to reach out for help… She’s feeling very scared. Also her or someone else is very sad. And i know thoughts of suicide happen for at least one of them every now and then. It’s only one or two headmates so far and we’re trying to be there for them… But we find it difficult. At least it’s not a system-wide thing… yet. And let’s just hope it won’t become one.

One frigging week.

In the land of anxiety

Everything is getting harder to do. Walking the dogs, going to the doc to get prescriptions for my medication, calling people, going anywhere.

One more week and one day to go. Then we’ll be at court. Tomorrow we’re meeting his lawyer via video chat for the first time. Video chat because court will be in a different city about three hours away from where we live now. And it’ll be the first time because the lawyer he previously had doesn’t live in that far away city and will not be going there for the court appointment. So all this is a new situation. He’s talked to this lawyer once on the phone. I hope she’s nice. I really, really hope she’s nice.

Tomorrow i will be able to ask if i can talk to the judge, too. I hope she’ll be able to tell me right away but she might not.

I’m so frigging nervous. So nervous. And this nervousness is going all over the place, into areas of my life where it can, kindly, get the fuck lost. The anxiety is threatening to crush me. I dislike this state of almost constant panic and second guessing myself. I don’t need this right now.

Every night i have nightmares. I wake up at least three or four times, mostly realizing that he’s not next to me, running his own crazy circles in his head in the living room. Sometimes my big dog Lucky is with him, sometimes he’s all alone in there. I wish I could comfort him some way but i am lost myself. I try so hard to stay present but it’s becoming increasingly harder to do so.

One more week. What will my life look like after Tuesday next week? Where will we go from there? How will we continue? Will WE continue? Will it be possible? I don’t want to lose him. I really really don’t want to lose him.

I’m so scared for him. But see, now I’m repeating myself and I’m tired of doing that. So off i send this into the internet and whoever’s out there. You, reading this, thank you. It helps to be heard. 💜

I’m having an odd day.

I’ve been trying to put my finger on WHY I’m having an odd day. I just feel very dissociated. Out of it. Not here.

I contacted the lady about the trauma sensitive Yoga again this morning. It’s fall, she said she’d get back to me in fall, so i thought maybe I’d gotten lost in all her clients but she remembered and said she’d get back to me as soon as she has a place to do it. So i might start doing that soon, which might help a lot, too. With the past trauma as well as the current one.

God, less than two weeks. It’s unbelievable sometimes that in less than two weeks some stranger will decide on how my boyfriend’s life will continue… And it also kind of feels like she’ll decide IF it will continue. I’m scared, guys… Very, very scared.

I wish I would have gone to that organization anyway on Wednesday and at least asked them if i could talk to them anyway. But i was too chicken to do that. Social interactions have become anxiety inducing again and it sucks. I rehearse the things I want to say, the way i want to present, etc. in my head ahead of any meeting. It hasn’t been this bad in a while. But at the same time somebody else then takes over when things are actually happening and they seem very relaxed… It’s odd.

I went to see a friend today who i haven’t seen in a while. Now I’m on my way home, exhausted.

I know i need to come back into my body but right now i don’t really want to. I just want to curl up and sleep…

we have learned so much

I am reading this scientific book that just shows us that we’ve already learned so much … in therapy, outside of therapy. We’ve made so much progress in so many areas. We are able to be there for each other these days, which is amazing. We try and regulate ourselves through this “being there”.

We still have a long way to go, which is especially obvious when we get triggered into an emotional flashback. Those are harder to handle for us because we have a hard time recognizing that they’re flashbacks. Whereas a visual flashback is “obviously” in the past, an emotional flashback feels as if the very big feelings we HAD about very bad things happening THEN are adequate feelings for NOW when only small transgressions might have happened.

For example I can name a specific incident that happened not too long ago: I was sitting in the car with my mom and my boyfriend behind me. My boyfriend was feeling playful and tugged on my neck, which hurt very badly and caused me to positively YELL at him to STOP DOING THAT! I was SO angry and my mom and my boyfriend looked at me questioningly; nobody knew what the hell had just happened.

I can now place it as an emotional (and also physical) flashback. The pain in my neck had triggered memories when that pain was connected to other in my then child-body life/soul-threatening pain. I needed to stand up for myself QUICK and STRONG to protect myself! Only: nothing of the sort was happening in the now. And I didn’t realize that was what was happening so my protective anger exploded all over the place and the child that was terrified inside of me was not comforted.

But every now and then we’ll realize what is happening and CAN comfort the children within and try to regulate our emotions that way.

The hardest I think is still the anger for us and I realize that now – yet again – after my boyfriend told me yesterday that he has “anger issues” because of what is happening right now in his life, which is perfectly understandable. But I was astounded at how little he explodes and how aware of it he is.

Very often we are still not aware that our anger is not appropriate to the current situation. Or someone inside reacts explosively, while whoever was only co-conscious at the time doesn’t experience it as intensely as it in fact was.

When our anger surfaces it is still connected to so many instances in which we’re still terrified internally. So many “children” (ie parts of ourselves) that aren’t being comforted, that haven’t realized yet that those situations are over and that we are safe now. But I think, bit by bit, child by child and part by part we will get there.

We have already come so far. We can conquer these memories by being there for all the kids inside with our adults parts, lovingly, acceptingly and compassionately.

I am so happy our therapist has been able to teach us some of this. I also realize that I am starting to see her more as a person these days. Remember, I made a post about this a few months back, about having a hard time seeing her as a PERSON? Well, it’s starting to happen. We’re starting to realize for example, that not all her advice is good. And that that’s okay. That we can take her advice and weigh it in our mind against the situations we’re facing and what WE think would be best, and then come to a conclusion as to what needs to be done. And all this without having to once think, “God, she’s a terrible therapist! What terrible advice she gave!” Lol. Yes, that would have previously been something we would have thought (and sometimes we still do).

We are realizing that she is a person, too, with her own wounds, her own pain to carry and confront, that she doesn’t know everything and cannot possibly always have the right answers for everything. That she, too, is a work in progress, as are we all.

But we are willing to learn from and with her. She is able to guide us really well through the labyrinth of our dissociated mind. And I appreciate that about her a whole lot. Her compassion towards all of us has been like a compass in our mind and heart that we can reach for whenever we’re confused about how to react to something happening within.

We’re learning so much. And it’s amazing! And the best thing is that there is STILL so much to learn! And with each step toward being kinder with ourselves, more compassionate in our answering of our own needs, the stronger we feel.

We’re starting to feel alive again. The numbing, too, had its purpose and it served us well through many traumatic instances throughout our life. I am actually wondering about that, as I can feel some parts/headmates wanting to shut down again, in case the boyfriend gets deported or worse things happen to him. And I am just observing right now. I am not sure yet, whether a shut down will be needed or whether we would be ready to embrace any pain that might come …

And I think it’s okay not to have an answer to that yet, and it is definitely a good thing to be aware of. So I am trying to hold this space for the people inside who feel the need to shut down and shut out all the anxiety and worry and real fear of the future, and I try to be there for them, letting them know that right now it is safe to feel, and it is safe to be alive, and we don’t need to numb ourselves right now. And I will try to be there for them, and I know I’m not the only one inside to do so, should things get very, very bad.

So we – guess what? – breathe and focus on the moment and on the feeling of safety, here in the country side, with our dogs sleeping soundly next to us and snoring (lol) … with hearing the breeze in the whispering of leaves outside.

We are safe.

I still don’t know…

Guess who got in the train to the city yesterday, only to THEN check the website of the organization she was going to, to realize that they only take emergency cases that day … and who doesn’t qualify as an emergency case … Yup, that’d be me. LOL. I wasn’t quite halfway (of an an-hour-and-ten-minute train ride) yet, so I got off the train and went back home.

So I still don’t know what can or will happen if my boyfriend doesn’t get asylum. And I won’t know until likely next Wednesday. Hopefully (!!) next Wednesday. Which will be a week before the court appointment. But I guess it doesn’t really matter, because it’s just about knowing our options, not about preparing anything, because I guess we can’t prepare anything anyway.

So I am still wondering, making up bad scenarios in my mind, hoping none of them will come true.

Next week my therapist will be back. And my mom’s vacation will be over and things will go back to a tentative routine …

I keep writing and deleting things. None of it is really all that interesting …

Less than two weeks to go.

Still running in circles in my head

Tonight I am going back to the organization that advised us last time, the people that told us if my boyfriend’s plea for asylum gets denied, he will have to leave the country.

I am very nervous. I will probably be going on my own because my boyfriend doesn’t want to deal with this right now, which is perfectly understandable. I am still nervous as heck though.

I am scared they will be able to make him go back to Iraq. That really, really scares me. I am trying to think positive and this kind of thinking is successful most of the time. But sometimes I am back to running circles in my head, going, “Where will he go? Will our relationship be over? Will he be safe? WILL HE BE SAFE?!”

I am scared he won’t be safe and there will be nothing I can do because I will be in a different country. … I am really scared for him.

It’s time to walk the dogs in a few minutes. I also need to go to my gp to get a prescription for my psych meds. I am so tired already and I just got up! The nightmares are still chasing me every night. Most of the time I thankfully don’t remember anything but the fear.

We still don’t have a job offer for him. He wanted to apply for a job last night, but by the time we got around to doing it together, the job was already taken. I am so tired of this constant see-saw of hope-disappointment. It’s so so tiring.

And my headmates are going a little crazy, too. I think especially the littles are having a hard time of it because I get a lot of urges to play. And I know… I KNOW I should just give in and let them have their time out of our head and in the body to do whatever they want to do – relaxing and playing is something we ALL could use right now – but it’s so difficult to let it happen. I am trying to “manage” way too much right now.

I am so overwhelmed. And I feel so scared. Ugh!

I’m just so tired

It’s been weeks now since we’ve known my boyfriend would have this court appointment. And a few weeks, I am not sure how many, since we heard this is his last chance, since we heard they might just kick him out of the country instead.

They (the lawyer and the people we talked to) say, a job offer would really help… which is funny because he’s not allowed to work for money until he gets asylum … so they need somebody to say, “hey, yeah, we wanna hire this guy … whenever he gets notified he can have asylum in this country” … which could be a few weeks even after the court date! Who does that? When people are looking for workers, they usually need them NOW, not a few weeks down the line and then with no guarantee that this guy will actually come and work for them because he might be kicked out of the country instead! So even though I, my mom and friends and acquaintances have all asked around, we didn’t find anyone willing to wait to hire him in two weeks, three weeks, four weeks down the line with the uncertainty of “maybe he won’t get asylum and they’ll have to look for someone else instead”.

I am not sure how bad this is. But we’ll keep trying. All he can do now is go from job offer to job offer PERSONALLY and ask for a job for him… I am not sure this will work. He’ll start doing that some time this week. I am not sure how he will get through denial after denial, some of which I am sure will be rude … I hope he doesn’t take it to heart. He is already not convinced this will even work AT ALL – but it’s all we’ve got left. We gotta at least try.

Ugh. This is all so exhausting. I am just so exhausted. And my boyfriend gets angry so quickly right now. Every little frustration turns into anger and then a fight that I mostly refuse to fight anymore anyway … but it still hurts my feelings, no matter how hard I try not to let it because I KNOW how much pressure he’s under. It’s so tiring. It wears me down. So much.

Anyway. This is where we are. Tomorrow in two weeks we’ll be facing the judge. At least I HOPE *WE* will face the judge. We have yet to ask the lawyer if I will be allowed to speak to the judge. She might deny that request. Who knows. I have written a long letter advocating for him, too. We’ll see if she’ll even read it.

I am so frustrated, too. But I try to go about my day. These days I just disappear in my head sometimes. Just slip away, not thinking about anything in particular. Just gone for seconds at a time. Just empty. I hate that because that’s how it was during my worst times: I just disappeared and couldn’t concentrate on the simplest conversations anymore and small talk – or any kind of talk, really – becomes impossible. How I am supposed to keep up with friends or acquaintances right now I really don’t know. I go play basketball again on Thursday – sunshine willing, heh – so even though I know that will be a good distraction, I am a bit worried about us all going out afterwards … I might not be able to keep up with any conversations…

But who cares. They all know what I am going through right now. And they’re all really sweet. I am sure they will understand. And if they don’t – well I will be back to normal at some point … I hope.

It’s eight pm here now. I wish I could go to bed. I am so utterly spent today. But the dogs need one more walk, and I need to feed them. And then zzzzzzzzzz.

Crumbling

I had a nightmare last night, in which the city I used to live in was crumbling under my feet, disappearing into a huge sinkhole spanning several districts. I kept running, climbing ground and furniture and streets that were all falling apart about as fast as I was trying to clamber towards the light.

It was an odd dream. There were people all around me falling into the abyss as I was running towards freedom, away from the ruins and into sunshine. In my dream I thought about my mom, who was safe, and weirdly my mom’s boss also made an appearance but I don’t remember what happened.

What an intense dream. It says a lot about the state of my mind. But I made it. Even though I never made it back to my loved ones in the dream, I did get away from the pieces falling all around me. So I take this as a positive. That even though it seems everything around me is falling apart, I am going to get through it. At least, I am getting through it right this moment.

I have been up several hours and my boyfriend is still asleep. I have walked the dogs and have been trying to escape my thoughts. Yesterday I finished reading Warm Bodies and I truly loved it. Even though there were some mistakes in the logic of the book, which is usually something that bugs me a LOT, I loved it. It was exactly what I needed to read at this moment – filled with so much love and hope. The hope that the world can be changed if only we never stop living, loving and feeling everything bravely.

Some headmates keep scolding me for holding onto the “foolish hope” that the love between the boyfriend and us will change everything, will matter. Like the belief that we can make it through this, and that our love will survive whatever the outcome of the upcoming court ordeal, is foolish. But I have to believe it. Because if I don’t, I will succumb to despair and the belief that the world is an ugly and terrifying place and that that is all it is. But I KNOW that that is not all it is.

I have random memories running through my mind, good ones. Of community and friendship. And they fill me with warmth. I believe we’ll get through this – me and my headmates. And I believe our boyfriend, can, too. I hope he believes that as well.