I’m having a Very Bad Day

Today is just one of those days, where everything is bleak, bleaker, the bleakest.

I am trying to go with the flow. I managed to go to the mini store in town and buy some bread. So bread with Nutella is what I will eat today. I had plans for making all kinds of food because I DO have what I call “real food” in the house. But I just can’t prepare anything right now.

I am extremely overwhelmed and I’ve already had half a Xanax last night and another one this morning … I don’t want to take more because it just makes me TIRED on top of being overwhelmed.

It does stop the constant ruminations though. So that is something.

The constant racing of thoughts is really getting to me. Do I leave the house alone, I obsess over all kinds of things that could happen to my dogs (Maybe I left a candle burning. Maybe they feel alone and start digging into the walls again like they did in my last apartment. Maybe someone is going to break in an shoot them, etc etc etc etc). Do I walk my dogs, I think about things like someone coming to yell at us because we did something wrong. Or a dog coming out of nowhere and attacking us. Or something could fall off a train going by and kill me and what would happen to my dogs then?! Or maybe there’ll be a thunderstorm unexpectedly and I get hit by lightning. Or maybe something happened to my mom? Is my mom okay? What will I do without my mom?

Stuff like that that just escalates and with each cycle becomes worse and worse. And it’s not just “thoughts”. It’s like VERY vivid daydreams of the VERY bad kind. I almost lose touch with reality when these thoughts happen.

And then I think about all the mistakes I’ve made with past pets. Like my cat Tigger, or my dogs Gismo and Winnie. Pets who are long gone and wouldn’t be alive today either way because they’d be ancient today (well except for Winnie, nobody knows how old he really was)! I can’t seem to get rid of those thoughts. Shame and guilt attack me daily.

Worry about money. Worry about the health of the dogs I still have. Worry about everything and anything.

It gets worse when I am not distracted. When I am reading it’s mostly okay (though sometimes the thoughts even intrude on my reading time), or busy talking to someone. But as soon as I don’t keep my mind busy, these obsessions come and attack me seemingly out of nowhere.

I try to ground myself in reality and it works for like … two split seconds. And the worries, fear, guilt and shame come back.

It’s exhausting. And I am losing my sanity over this. I don’t know what to do to stop this anymore. Nothing’s really working.

I think it’s time I sent my therapist a message and asked her for some help maybe. Even that fills me with dread, worry and fear instantly. What would I write. She will call me back, what will I tell her? I am so ashamed of needing people. Etc etc. And on and on it goes.

This is really beyond ridiculous! AGHHHH! I don’t know how to be normal anymore! 😦

Hello World.

Hello world. I’m still here. You’re still out there. Things are still happening, the seasons are changing and everything continues on.

It’s become cold and rainy here. Within a few days it seems we went from shorts and tank tops to hats and scarves and gloves. Or maybe that’s just me.

I am reading Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation and want to really work through the exercises this time. I just finished chapter 2 and feel pretty out of it, so I am guessing it’s triggering things.

Or maybe it’s the fact that I keep trying to solve the therapy-puzzle. My therapist reiterated that I can stay with her if I really want to and we’ll work our way forward as slowly or as quickly as possible.

Then there’s the loneliness after seeing Mrs. G (the therapist I have seen twice now and will see three more times – giving her a name now, as to cause less confusion for myself and others). It pervades, this loneliness. It intrudes. It’s right here, right now, where I don’t want it.

I am alone and I hate it. I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with people, in the sunshine and breathe. But it’s going on seven and there’s no more sunshine and there are no people I can see and I can breathe just as well without those things – that’s what logic tells me. But I feel as if someone’s sitting on my chest and I struggle to find reason.

Tomorrow I might go see my mom and work on the library of books for her boss. I might not though because her car might need to be fixed and if that is so (she’ll know tomorrow) then there’s no way for me to reach the train I need to to get home in time to walk the dogs one more time.

So I am thinking I should plan for the case that I might not be able to go. Do something nice for myself and my headmates, go to the city or A city and hang out, maybe have some coffee, sit in a bookstore and admire the books, find a library to hang out in. Anything but stay home and ruminate. Because this constant rumination is burying me neck-deep in trouble of the emotional kind.

At least I managed to have some coffee today, and take a shower and have some yogurt with bananas. I should really cook for myself or eat SOMETHING warm because I know it will make me/us feel better.

I am trying to do all the Good Things. Eat properly, drink enough water, get some sunlight (though hidden behind clouds today and yesterday and the day before), speak to someone every single day and so on and so forth. But it’s hard not to struggle on days like this one where everything is colored by this never ending loneliness.

Why did I have to become aware of this feeling again? This cursed feeling that I tried so hard to run away from for all these years. I realize it’s always been there, it hasn’t just suddenly appeared back on my radar. It was there yesterday and the day before and the week before that and the month before that. I can trace it back all the way to my childhood, this pervasive, damned loneliness, covering everything with blackness, making me feel like I am falling through air with nothing to hold onto.

I am so lonely. I am so lonely.

And there, I stopped breathing for a few seconds, as if holding my breath might save me.

It has never saved me, not once.

Loneliness.

Bah. Never needed anything less.

Lonely

So I am still in therapist search. I’ve had 12 people tell me “no” and one that didn’t even reply to my email. I’ve had one organization recommend my psychiatrist as a therapist because I forgot to tell them I am already seeing her. Lol. Oh well.

But TWELVE “no”s … that’s a lot.

My therapist also found a male therapist who would be willing to at least take a look at me and work with me possibly. I see him next week Thursday. So twelve “no”s. Two “yes”s.

The first yes, that therapist I already saw a few weeks ago,… I saw her at around noon today. For my 50 minutes. And she suggested we do three more sessions so we can see how she works and then make an informed decision about whether we want to work with her.

And someone inside keeps repeating, “I don’t like her. She’s dumb”. Not “dumb” as in “not intelligent”, but dumb the way kids say dumb, because it is a kid inside saying it.

We sat through our 50 minutes bravely. We switched maybe twice. We tried to get her to smile, maybe even laugh. But it wasn’t working. Which frustrated us because we’re usually having an easier time making someone smile, even strangers. But nope. She stayed very serious, very on topic. In the beginning she kept trying hard not to look in the direction of her notes and kept catching herself doing so, which made her look frantic. lol. Poor her, we were judging her HARD today. Every move, every look was analyzed and saved for yet more judgement later.

But in the end it wasn’t what she said or did or how she looked or anything like that. It may have been the fact that we didn’t get her to smile or laugh. But it definitely was what we felt after we’d left her that makes us truly wonder whether we should work with her.

Because on the train home, we felt a profound, intense loneliness.

Which may not be surprising to anyone reading this blog, as it is probably OOZING with Loneliness between the lines. But to tell you very truthfully: we have not let ourselves feel truly LONELY in years and years and years.

The question is: is this a sign to say “yes”, work with her, because she opened up a channel you didn’t think was possible to open back up?

Or is this a sign to say, “no” because she made me/us feel so profoundly lonely, someone inside thought it was time to open to floodgates (and they won’t close anymore now) to warn us, that this is not the way to go??????

I don’t have an answer to that. I tried to follow that path of loneliness a little inside my journal just now but it doesn’t lead anywhere except the Americans, which isn’t surprising because when THAT door closed was the last time we allowed ourselves to feel lonely because back then we were CONSUMED by loneliness, so much so we though the sheer feeling of it would rip us apart and make us die.

Man, I wish I could call up my therapist and talk to her about this. But that’s food for a whole session, and that won’t happen till two weeks from now.

I don’t wanna leave my therapist. I really don’t. And I really don’t wanna work with this lady. But it seems she may be my only option.

Let’s get to the second “yes”. It’s a guy with a PhD. He’s not from my country, in fact he’s from Latin America, which makes me kinda excited because I really enjoyed the Latin American culture a LOT. I spent a short while in Ecuador and a bit of a longer time in Costa Rica. This guy is from Peru.

But. The problem I have with him is that his website sounds … weird. Definitely not kink-friendly. Which is okay for me personally because kinky sex is not for me either, but I worry about his world views. Is he old-fashioned, outdated, yes, let’s say it, homophobic possibly?

My therapist picked him because she deems him to be “warm”. Something I sorely miss in the therapist I saw today and that I complained about her not being. And I trust her, but …

…But his website screams at me to run the other way. Not just the no-kink type things, but also … something I cannot even bring myself to talk about. So I won’t because it makes me wanna cry.

All of this and then the very fact that he is A MAN!

I don’t know if I can do any kind of reasonable work with a man anyway. I might be scared out of my mind … actually, I kinda am, just imagining opening up to this guy and being vulnerable with him. And I haven’t even met him yet. …

I don’t know. But I’ll definitely be taking a very close look at this guy next Thursday (today is Friday).

Let’s put this whole blog post into a few words:

I am very confused.

And now I am also very, very, VERY lonely.

Depressed and anxious

I am trying, really hard, to do all the right things: eat healthy, cook for myself, exercise… and then I get a bout of depression and it all goes out the window for a few days, sometimes a lot longer, and then I have to start over. And it is this never ending cycle. We go through this again and again, until we have a host change, and forget about doing ANY of this for a really long time.

We were sorting some papers again today, and stumbled across the last blood test results. Our cholesterol really has gotten a lot worse since the last blood test a little while ago. 😮 Man, it sucks. I wanna exercise, I really do, but right now I can’t bring myself to care enough. About anything. So I had a bunch of chocolate today and an energy drink and like three cups of coffee… and I need milk so I can have coffee or tea later, or tomorrow, and I can’t get myself to go out again after walking the dogs a little bit ago.

BUT the boyfriend’s coming in an hour, so I’ll combine the milk buying with picking him up from the train station. So at least THAT will get done.

I am so frustrated. I can’t get myself to care. I texted my psychiatrist about two hours ago, telling her I’ve been really unstable, one day good, one day bad and that my anxiety is really high and I am constantly ruminating. She always has me text her about a week after med changes. She texted back and told me this back and forth is better than JUST bad days and to text her again in a week. And I don’t know … maybe it’ll stabilize. I hope so. But I also got paranoid that she and my therapist think that I am acting out and not to take this seriously… Because my therapist was less than compassionate when I expressed suicidal thoughts in session in the last couple of sessions … so I am thinking that they’re trying to get me to stop acting out. But that’s probably just me overthinking everything.

I am so tired of everything. I keep thinking that I AM acting out because I have to find a new therapist and it really pisses me off that I do. And it makes me paranoid everybody else thinks I am acting out, too. And then I try to just pull myself together and just be NORMAL for god’s sake! But it never works. And the suicidality just becomes worse when I do that. So I don’t really know what to do. I try to be “compassionate” to myself but … I can’t get myself to care enough to BE compassionate. I just don’t care. I am so done with everything that I really don’t know how to … care.

I take Xanax almost every other day now. But it’s only been about a week of this so I am not too worried yet. As long as they’re still helping and I don’t get dependent on them, I’m okay.

That one therapist that called me last week and wanted to let me know this week whether she has an opening called me a bit ago and told me she doesn’t. So back to zero. Well, except for the one that my psychiatrist seems to think is such a genius and I am already pissed off about “having to” see her again. I don’t think it’ll go well if I keep this anger up. So I am trying really, really hard to be open until next week and give her a chance. But it really does make me angry that she seems to be my only choice and that both the psychiatrist and therapist have kinda not really believed what I was telling them about her … but whatever. Ugh, just writing about this pisses me off more.

I am so done with this. And the boyfriend’s coming to spend the weekend and I REALLY don’t feel like pretending I am okay but I also don’t wanna be told that I am always depressed and sleeping, so … I don’t really know what to do. I hate this … feeling like this, it’s just … awful. It’s awful and more and more it feels like I am cornered and that there’s no way out of this whole thing. I feel so lost and all doom and gloom about the future. Not a good sign, I know. But I don’t know how to be even OPEN about a POSSIBILITY of a better future. Right now it seems things can only get worse and I’ll lose everything and everyone … and it makes me even more anxious and then I go back to, “I don’t fucking CARE anymore!” … wtf is wrong with me these days?!

Crazy

My thoughts are running down dark alleys chasing shadows and pasts. I am so done. So done.

I am so worried. About Daisy. About Lucky (she didn’t finish her food today and I am just hoping this is not the start of yet another thing!!!!). About money. About my relationship with my boyfriend. I am worried about too many things. I don’t know how to make sense of anything. Every day it’s getting worse, and worse, and worse.

The anxiety is through the roof! I am constantly anxious right now. Everything puts me in a panic.

Daisy seems to be drinking a bit less today at least, so maybe it’s pain. And maybe we’ll just have to manage the pain from now on. There’s not much chasing the cause right now because money is seriously tight.

Ugh. This is my second attempt to write a semi-coherent post here but it’s just not happening.

I feel disconnected from everyone. I feel alone. Yesterday when Daisy peed in bed, I was so worried but knew my mom wasn’t available – and you know it never even occurred to me to tell my boyfriend how worried I was? I didn’t even think to tell him about it until I was at the vet with her.

I don’t know how to reconnect with ANYONE much less my own boyfriend. I feel like nobody can like or love me. And I feel completely crazy right now. I just wanna be alone and at the same time I don’t want everyone to leave me.

I am in a pitiful state and it’s embarrassing. I am seriously getting worse and I can SEE it, but I can’t seem to find the emergency brake. I don’t know how to stop the descent…

Unwell

Daisy is unwell and we don’t know what she has. She’s drinking huge amounts of water. She might just be in random pain from something so we’re trying pain meds and CBD drops. If that doesn’t work, we’re back to the vet on Saturday or Monday. It’s so frustrating and worrisome. She peed in bed last night (thank goodness we already have waterproof sheets underneath the regular ones for cases like these!) which means she’s drinking so much she has to go every few hours. We’ll have to get up in the night tonight and tomorrow and however long this takes and just let her pee outside real quick and head back to bed. That’s gonna be super hard for me, but at least this week I don’t really have any more appointments, so I can sleep during the day.

Anyway, if it isn’t pain and the pain meds don’t work, it could be some form of diabetes. She explained but I didn’t really understand because of the mask, but if it is that she’ll explain again. We’ll see what happens.

I’m just really worried and I am thinking we’re definitely heading towards the final stage of things here. She’s almost 12 years old now and she’s had a few surgeries and loads of things wrong with her. She’s just getting to be that age. And it sucks and I wanna cry but I also don’t want to cry already, when she’s still here and I am still so happy to have her by my side. She’s been my friend for close to 12 years …

So … yah.

At least MY blood came back somewhat normal, too. I went to my doc today and it’s the usual: you need to exercise and change the way you eat because your cholesterol is terrible! *sigh* It’s true though, and I am trying. Just… this exercise thing is definitely a lot harder when you’re battling depression and a general state of “I don’t give a shit about anything anymore!” …

I’ve been a bit bad about eating these last few days, had loads of cereal (which I am now out of and I think I’ll keep it that way) and even had two or three energy drinks in the last couple of days (which I only keep at home for my boyfriend anymore when he’s here on the weekends). But I guess a few setbacks ain’t gonna stop me, right?! With the exercising though … ugh. I managed twice. Twice. That’s not a lot. But I am trying to think positive and that I will manage again tomorrow (only I keep thinking that… “tomorrow”. It needs to become “today!”).

Right now I am just very very frustrated. Daisy’s unwell and it worries me. I am unwell and that makes me angry. It’s just not a good time at all right now. And I am finding it VERY hard to find any kind of joy in ANYTHING. Everything feels heavy and dark and hopeless. Or I don’t feel much of anything, just this … drifting through life without ambition, goals or even just knowing where and why to take the next step.

I hate life right now.

therapist search

things here are … just going on. we feel we’re kinda adrift, like a boat lost on the vast ocean, riding the waves, but never really using the oars to shift us one way or another. just letting the waves take us where they will. we feel indifferent. we feel a bit apathetic. like we’ve spent too much energy on chasing things and now we’re just … drifting.

we have another appointment with the therapist we already saw on the 16th. we’ll definitely tell her that we experienced her as insecure about the DID … we’ll see what she says and whether we can work with/around that. i’m not really excited about seeing her again. all the other therapists have been dead ends though, except for ONE who will tell us if she’s got an opening in about a week. she said she’d call us again. so we’ll see. this one said she has other patients with DID, so that’s promising. we’re trying not to get our hopes up, but i would feel real disappointed if we have to end up working with the therapist we already decided we don’t feel comfortable with. but maybe we’re prejudiced against her because she was our psychiatrist’s “best student” … lol. i don’t know. we’ll try to give her a chance next week.

this therapist search is really frustrating. we’ve written to and called about a dozen people now. it’s all just very meh.

i’m tired of everything. i don’t wanna see my therapist anymore because it just feels too painful. but that’s the whole “break it before it breaks us” mentality that is, i know, not helpful at all. it won’t break us to keep going there even though it may feel like it. ugh, i don’t know.

i am out of words to write, so i’ll stop here.

have a nice (rest of) monday everyone!

We need some courage

I am trying to talk some sense into myself/-selves. We need to be braver again, have some courage, try out new things, and try being ourselves again.

We have become so afraid. On Thursday or Friday we walked a slightly different route with the dogs – we went down a different street to get to the river, since the one we usually walk down has a house with a yard and a dog in it that keeps trying to jump the fence and barking madly, which in return triggers Lucky to bark incessantly as well – and we were SCARED. We truly almost didn’t make it down the street, and when we heard a noise behind us like the jangling of a leash (which turned out to be keys), we almost started RUNNING!

This is far beyond normal behavior anymore. We’ll need to challenge ourselves to new things every day now, or at least more often than we do now (which is never). Breathlessly walking down a different street is not my idea of fun. But I gotta keep doing this until things become less scary again. We have to work on this.

We have to make a few phone calls for the boyfriend next week. And a few for ourselves. I hope those go well. Phone calls are the hardest for us. Just so scary! Because we don’t know who we’re talking to, what mood they’re in, whether they like us, and all of our usual “fawning” techniques are heavily reliant on SEEING the other person and them seeing us. But all we need is information. Nobody is gonna chew us out for needing information. I hope. Sometimes people do. But usually not.

See? This is the way we’re thinking lately: other people are a threat and we have to make THEM happy so they don’t hurt us. That kind of thinking will not do anymore. Gotta try and see less enemies and abusers and more of people as PEOPLE again. It’s not that hard – in my opinion. I think a few littles are triggered immensely by the whole finding-a-new-therapist thing. They are terrified of losing the safe place they had (but never used) with the therapist. And not just them, a few others, younger parts, as well. So it’s logical that this loss of a safe space would trigger all kinds of fears. But we gotta breathe through that fear. It’s really the only thing we CAN do. Because what else is there besides locking ourselves into the apartment and never venturing out again? Right?!

Terribly terrible

I had therapy yesterday. I am going to see her every other week from now on until I have found someone else. She told me to get back in touch with the therapist I already saw and give her two or three more sessions to figure out whether I can work with her. So I’m gonna have to email that lady again and make a new appointment with her even though I’ve already said, “bye” and “wish you well” and all that. Ugh! I feel embarrassed. But as people have told me (my therapist, my mom), I can just explain the situation. So I’ll have to do that.

I keep “falling” into the suicidal headmate in therapy, and she’s … not impressed. Neither am I, to be honest. I am not impressed at all but the desperation of that headmate is real. And the feelings of despair and just plain listlessness are there, in my every day life, too. And it’s making me very tired and leaves me feeling stumped, because I just don’t know what to do!

Today I want to go to the city I used to live in to run some errands and maybe go to a city closer to here to figure out how to go about getting cheaper groceries. There’s a market for people with low income and I want to go check it out. All these things could be exciting and fun. But this listlessness is just pervading EVERYTHING. It’s not a depression. There’s not that apathy and definitely not numbness. I just feel horrible. Angry and sad and despairing. I am terrified of what the future might bring. I am unhappy. And I know my relationship with my boyfriend is broken and I am not sure how to fix it. Therapist recommended going to couple’s therapy but I really can’t afford that. And I don’t know if the boyfriend would want to go with me. But I am going to talk to him about it on Friday when I see him in person again.

There’s so much that just feels … bad. I feel bad. And I feel like the boy who cried wolf. Like nobody is taking this seriously anymore BECAUSE I’ve been through this so many times. And maybe they’re right. Maybe I KNOW this is just a moment in time, a phase. Maybe I KNOW things will get different again. Maybe they trust me more and know me better – than I do. I just wish I wouldn’t feel so terrible all the time.

Wasted years

Sometimes I sit here, in my living room, and wonder who I would be – without the psych meds, without the mental illness, without the trauma. And I try not to go down that path – but lately I’ve been feeling again like it’s just taken SO MUCH from me and I am so tired of being this way. The stupid anti psychotics make it hard to communicate with and differentiate between my headmates but they also keep me open and calm. If I go off them I become scared and tense and closed off to everyone around me. Also, I take so many meds, I feel like they mess with my intellect. And in the last couple of years they’ve also been making me gain weight like crazy. I feel like they’re taking EVERYTHING from me, you know? It’s so frustrating. I don’t know who I would be would I not desperately NEED them. I wish I were healthy. It’s messing everything up. Even my physical health. I told my therapist once, that I won’t live that long on all these psych meds, and we both agreed better a life somewhat decently lived but not as long than a life not lived at all because I killed myself out of desperation.

I am so tired of all this. And it’s no use saying, “This is all so unfair!” Or, “Who would I be if I had never experienced all this trauma?!” Because there’s no “if”s or “if only”s in life. It is as it is and we make the best of it.

But – and you know there had to be a “but”, right?! – I feel like I am just wasting away. I can’t concentrate, I can’t be creative, I can’t feel alive. I am wasting my potential, my creativity, my life. That’s how I feel. Like I am wasting everything.

I don’t want to feel like this again and again. I am trying the “radical acceptance” path – it is what it is, right? But I land here over and over, at this point of: it’s all a waste.

Breathe.

Today I will tell my therapist I only want to see her every other week anymore. I am just not feeling good about going there lately – but at the same time it scares me, to see her only every other week instead of every week. I have tried calling another therapist that got recommended to me by my psychiatrist. I have ONE more recommendation before I’ve run out of recommendations of therapists I can actually reach by public transportation. I got recommended two more but they’re both too far away. I am so tired of this, too.

My head now hurts and I feel lost. I gotta believe it’s gonna get better. If I believe it’s gonna stay this way or maybe even get worse, I won’t have anything to live for anymore. It’s a phase, I tell myself, I will get through it. Because that’s what it’s been before: a phase. I breathe and I hope and I sip my coffee.

Life can’t stay this disconnected, confused and jumbled. It just can’t.