Lonely

So I am still in therapist search. I’ve had 12 people tell me “no” and one that didn’t even reply to my email. I’ve had one organization recommend my psychiatrist as a therapist because I forgot to tell them I am already seeing her. Lol. Oh well.

But TWELVE “no”s … that’s a lot.

My therapist also found a male therapist who would be willing to at least take a look at me and work with me possibly. I see him next week Thursday. So twelve “no”s. Two “yes”s.

The first yes, that therapist I already saw a few weeks ago,… I saw her at around noon today. For my 50 minutes. And she suggested we do three more sessions so we can see how she works and then make an informed decision about whether we want to work with her.

And someone inside keeps repeating, “I don’t like her. She’s dumb”. Not “dumb” as in “not intelligent”, but dumb the way kids say dumb, because it is a kid inside saying it.

We sat through our 50 minutes bravely. We switched maybe twice. We tried to get her to smile, maybe even laugh. But it wasn’t working. Which frustrated us because we’re usually having an easier time making someone smile, even strangers. But nope. She stayed very serious, very on topic. In the beginning she kept trying hard not to look in the direction of her notes and kept catching herself doing so, which made her look frantic. lol. Poor her, we were judging her HARD today. Every move, every look was analyzed and saved for yet more judgement later.

But in the end it wasn’t what she said or did or how she looked or anything like that. It may have been the fact that we didn’t get her to smile or laugh. But it definitely was what we felt after we’d left her that makes us truly wonder whether we should work with her.

Because on the train home, we felt a profound, intense loneliness.

Which may not be surprising to anyone reading this blog, as it is probably OOZING with Loneliness between the lines. But to tell you very truthfully: we have not let ourselves feel truly LONELY in years and years and years.

The question is: is this a sign to say “yes”, work with her, because she opened up a channel you didn’t think was possible to open back up?

Or is this a sign to say, “no” because she made me/us feel so profoundly lonely, someone inside thought it was time to open to floodgates (and they won’t close anymore now) to warn us, that this is not the way to go??????

I don’t have an answer to that. I tried to follow that path of loneliness a little inside my journal just now but it doesn’t lead anywhere except the Americans, which isn’t surprising because when THAT door closed was the last time we allowed ourselves to feel lonely because back then we were CONSUMED by loneliness, so much so we though the sheer feeling of it would rip us apart and make us die.

Man, I wish I could call up my therapist and talk to her about this. But that’s food for a whole session, and that won’t happen till two weeks from now.

I don’t wanna leave my therapist. I really don’t. And I really don’t wanna work with this lady. But it seems she may be my only option.

Let’s get to the second “yes”. It’s a guy with a PhD. He’s not from my country, in fact he’s from Latin America, which makes me kinda excited because I really enjoyed the Latin American culture a LOT. I spent a short while in Ecuador and a bit of a longer time in Costa Rica. This guy is from Peru.

But. The problem I have with him is that his website sounds … weird. Definitely not kink-friendly. Which is okay for me personally because kinky sex is not for me either, but I worry about his world views. Is he old-fashioned, outdated, yes, let’s say it, homophobic possibly?

My therapist picked him because she deems him to be “warm”. Something I sorely miss in the therapist I saw today and that I complained about her not being. And I trust her, but …

…But his website screams at me to run the other way. Not just the no-kink type things, but also … something I cannot even bring myself to talk about. So I won’t because it makes me wanna cry.

All of this and then the very fact that he is A MAN!

I don’t know if I can do any kind of reasonable work with a man anyway. I might be scared out of my mind … actually, I kinda am, just imagining opening up to this guy and being vulnerable with him. And I haven’t even met him yet. …

I don’t know. But I’ll definitely be taking a very close look at this guy next Thursday (today is Friday).

Let’s put this whole blog post into a few words:

I am very confused.

And now I am also very, very, VERY lonely.